♫ I Am Sixteen Going On Seventeen ♫... wait today is my birthday... I am seventeen ^_^

I am of the age to get my drivers license *excited* ... but not in my country.

So I am now seventeen. This is so... not different... in... anyway.Hm. Well. That just wont do. what shall I do? Kinda short notice to be asking these questions. I am such a pansy of a seventeen year old.

 First I'm gonna make a reference to the song from "Sound of Music" in everything I do today... I've actually been doing that since October,but people can't tell me to shut up today 'cause it's my actual birthday and that would just be way mean (o_o).


I hope I enjoy tomorrow even without the lack of activity. AND! I hope people don't shove work at me like they usually do on a Saturday. I do not and I repeat DO NOT need a repeat of Nikki's birthday. I did want to make this cake though. I just looked so cool but you need 19 packs of Twix (yum) and a whole bunch of M&M's. I'm not a big fan of M&M's. I just thought that colourful chocolate was gross without actually tasting it. I am truly something else. I mean... chocolate is suppose to be brown don't add the possibility of thinking you're allergic to chocolate when its red dye or something stupid like that.

 If you really loved chocolate you wouldn't disguise it's true colour. A Der!!

 So my mom ... when I showed her this magnificent looking baked good she said "wow". Then I told her how many packs of Twix were bordering this creation and she said forget it >.> . Which was half expected on my part. Oh poop.

 My sisters in Texas (including Judah) sent down a card for me with my Aunt Natalie. I got it a few hours ago. And I told my mom I was gonna wait till it was my birthday and she said " You're going to stay up till 12" and of course I said "Of course". So I must go do that. I wonder if I have any awesome friends waiting for my birthday as well... maybe my phone is dead... very likely. But then again I barely use it so they would know better not to send anything to it. I'll just check Facebook... maybe I shouldn't.

I be gone.

 The time posted was scheduled so it is correct if I hadn't scheduled it then it would have prob said 9:20 something.

Good bye till later ^_^

The Times... how they bug me

 Hiya.

 If you add 3 to the times that you see for the post then you get the times that I actually posted it. O found the thing to change it... but it felt so weird changing it. So i'm leaving them ^_^. Is that silly of me. TOO BAD I'M SILLY!!

Take 5...10... You know What!! ...Just give me the whole damn year.

...
How sad does that title sound. I mean... COME ON! I will soon scare all u potential followers away due to my increased self pity.
 I hate pity. Never did leave a good taste in my mouth, but then that is where I got strange. If I felt no one was feeling bad for me i would get really sad and feel all alone.
...

Back to the post!!

***
Yea, so... I consider myself to be one of the best actors in the world despite my lack of  Oscars and any other reward that determines the value of your talent >.>

Nikki Hamilton

Dead things sometimes show the most beauty

                                              - Jessica Brown 

  

    Nikki I'll miss you forever and then I'll fornever forget you  ♥

Happy Birthday

I can't find it!!! baha ahahaaahhahaaaaa

Okay so... These times that you see at the bottom of my posts... they are so WRONG. It is now... 8:01 pm here ...and I am positive it will come up at 4 or 5 something. Wow, why did it take me this long to see that?

 So I cant find the time changey thingy if anyone would like to guide me to it.

 OH!! and for all the people that visit my ...this... it would be really cool if you just click "Join this site" up at the top... you can join if u have an account. It's okay if you dont have a google one... I think. but if you have a blogger account then you can.

 AND!

 You can leave comments if you aren't apart of my...this... lol and you can leave comments if you don't have have an account. Isn't that kind of like a breathe of fresh air? Most sites pop up on u and say " You must sign in or sign up for this website of you want to leave a comment. Every time I see that I feel bad for my inbox. More shit that I don't want. All I want is to share my damn thoughts.

 So guys... SHARE YOUR DAMN THOUGHTS!

   ^_^ Thanks

It's Just Not Fair

So today is the birthday of my dead best friend right. So I had planned on doing somethings to make myself feel better and celebrate her birthday. One of those things was to bake a cake.

 I've woken up early at like... 9:30 (i usually wake up at 12 or 1) , peopel are getting ready to go out and i'm walking around the house watching everyone. I had planned on eating this poptart that was in the cupboard. It seemed like no one wanted it so I took that chance. I put in it the toater and went to say good bye to all the departing people. My mother and younger sister had just gone threw the gate when my grandmother tells me that she''s going out and the soup needs to be made. Okay sure... since no one is here... now i just have to fit my cake making around this. She leaves after telling me what to put in it.

It's a PARDY!!!

Today I'm having a party. I don't see why I shouldn't, it's my friends birthday today. I'm gonna bake a nice cake dedicated to her and share it out virtually cause I know that no one can make it to the party. I think she would have turned 18 this year. Because, you see, the year she died she was about to turn 16. Aha. I caught you (whoever you are), you just changed your facial expression from either enthusiasm/ wonder to sadness/empathy but that's cool.

 If you know me and are reading this you might feel the need to come over now and if you don't, you still feel the need to come over whether you're in Russia or Canada. Hm blah! Well, it's about 9:34 am on my clock. Her soul has been 18 for a whole 10 and a half (lol) hours and we have about... 13 and 29 minutes to go. Lets set the timer for this sad but happy day shall we!

 For the record I had planned to do this a long time ago, but things got in my way... >_< You know...
sometimes I just hate people. *whispers* ... was that too harsh? Well it's the truth so bite me.

 Imma blog about that very soon.

Better Days... only in the past.

You know what gets me through the day?

 The memories I have with my friends.

On my way to school today, I passed Sovereign (it's a mall.) and remembered the time I was hyperventilating and my inhaler was empty. My guy best friend at the time was freaking out as I waved the empty thing around saying that we could just go to the pharmacy and refill it...he has obviously never dealt with an inhaler before.I beckoned my good friend over and hugged him in all my quivering glory. I felt his arms go around me and I pressed him tighter to me feeling his toned stomach and chiselled chest press against mine( Can anyone say infatuated?). I immediately calmed down when his scent filled my nostrils. He looked so confused and others gave me knowing looks and some gave me the "Seriously Jessica?...you couldn't have just hugged me?" or "my gosh". I thought it was so funny. The sad part is the reason for the hyperventilating and the reason why I hugged him. BUT!! These are supposedly happy times that I'm telling you about... so...I can't tell you.
>   <

    0    

After I thought of that I started grinning instead of my usual grim expression on the way to my "school".

Oh dear... What have I done

 The force field has been penetrated... in ways more than thought possible. What's going to happen to me now... I'm not too sure. Time will either help me out in this glorious predicament or shatter me into bite size pieces. We shall see and maybe, just maybe, I might expand on my sudden epiphany.

 This'll have to do.

The Nest

 Okay. So one night I never went to sleep... and when I started to get comfortable in bed ,after a while I still didn't fall asleep and it was like 3 or maybe 4 in the morning. Sometimes when I don't sleep or go to sleep late I just think and most of these thoughts are so deep and insightful. This is something that I wrote in the dark without sleep at 6 in the morning.

...
Mommy thinks of us as birds, but we never did get to fly and explore. My father never took us anywhere and anything "new" or "out of the ordinary" that was introduced to us or brought home would be the most amazing thing. For example : Those things that monitor how far you've walked when you move or a :new" phone or digital scale. Whenever we wanted to go somewhere for a change we would be told " Sure.", but don't get your hopes up. It's like opening a bird's cage and having the bird thinking it's free and shutting it when its halfway out the door. He would always say we are too boring and never did anything but stay home and thrust things at us when we were never prepared for new things.
...

 Now that... that is some insightful shit right there. Why cant it be more like that all the time, every hour of the day. I would be seen in such a different light.

You Dont Even Know!!!

I don't need any fucking person to be telling me that I need help... U dont think that I already know that I need fucking help. This God (sorry) damned teacher is lecturing me about life and about how Immaculate was probably not the real world and now that I am in the real world I cant handle it. Immaculate is one of the most REAL FUCKING HARSH SCHOOLS IN THIS COUNTRY.... It gets you prepared for life. This sorry excuse for a school does not. If this school was to be known for something then it would be labeled as an institute of how not to live your life.

   Me, Jessica Amanda Brown, have three different types of mental doctors. I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a family therapist. Now to have all of those I think you need to be aware of the existence of the real world and you have no shitting idea as to how REAL my world is.

 Now you see. Me flying off on a tangent like this is all because I informed my so called I.T. teacher about the problem I am having in the club that he co-administers. I start telling him not to expect anything from my group that was forced upon me by the other teacher in authority. This group wasn't assign to me because of my leadership skills or my tolerance of responsibility... no... it was assigned to me because SOMEONE (unknown) told the woman that I am good at photography. Now this club is the "Photo and Film" club... and it was either this or stay with the K4 students that scream till my ears bleed, spill fluids out of there bodies that no one can identify and then cry over absolutely nothing... did I mention that these children have special needs?... and if not all of them then the others are developing them. I now regret joining this club. I would rather stay with the 3-6 year old's. Yep ... I said 6


 Right now I think I'll finish this up later because the giggling teenage boy besides me that cannot construct a proper sentence and is in the 11th grade is getting on my many nerves.

Clouded Consciousness

What's it called when you have so many plans for your life and when it comes to that section of your life when you prepare for those plans to succeed everything falls apart in front of your eyes and you have an idea how to stop it but you feel too weak,inferior or incapable to do them in the case of making it even worse for yourself, when you feel it can't get any worse. 

While eating dinner today... (I know, kinda early for dinner) i felt so stupid while I went through my little sectors of information in my brain as to how the rest of my 11th grade year will go for me. 

If I'll pass one of the biggest exams in my life with the lack of knowledge I have stored

If I should waste the non-existent money my mother has to go to what some people would call "prom", "the biggest day of their life" or ball.

What my grandfather would say to me if he was still here, if he'd be proud I haven't gone crazy and killed myself for my negative feelings towards how the world screwed me over after I tried to save it.

if I'll even go through with not killing myself to spare the humiliation of not graduating with honours or much less a high score in something other than R.E. (religious education) which everyone passes.

When I first went to high school I was the biggest racist.... I'm black by the way. There was this one time when I was called a racist by my sister. We were in the car driving home after picking my sister up from a friends house and there was the lady walking on the sidewalk with a baby that clearly wasn't hers. The baby was Asian and I had said," Asian babies are so  much cuter then any other.".I felt absolutely no shame in saying that. This was in 7th grade. Throughout my high school year everyone (some of my friends) would try and find me a "boyfriend". The first thing I'd ask would be " Is he Asian". I find it kinda funny now because most of my guy friends are Asian but since this is Jamaica I call them Chigro's (chinese niggahs).

 I think I like them mostly because in my mind and see them as really smart and thats what I thought of myself as when I was smaller in age. Now I know that thats not how it is at all. There are billions of people on this planet and they all have different things that make them smarter than someone else.No one is smarter than the other.

   I have gone off on a tangent.......................WOOPS!... I guess my head kinda went on by itself... that happens sometimes.. especially when I'm trying to prove a point.

For high school in Jamaica You have a choice of what you want to do after you graduate.

 You can either go to 12 & 13th grade which is called 6th form or go to university of some kind wherever , there or abroad if your lucky....... or go work at BK and strive to be employee of the month.

I really like literature. I love the poems and the Shakespeare and stories. I LOVE IT!

The problem is that I have trouble expressing my self confidently so I'll write an answer that I think my be the correct one and then the real answer will stay in my head until I get the paper back with a bad grade making me feel less confident in myself.

I think it was the end of the school term last year or the beginning this year when I asked one of my favourite teachers (of English) if she would recommend me for English if I wanted to go to 6 form......She actually told me about a year ago that I have the potential for English and that I just needed to work harder.. HELLO thats what I've been doing. Anyways. She almost laughed in my face. She told me she doesn't I am ready for the hard work I have to put in.Well great there goes one subject that I feel good about.I thought she'd be proud that she was doing her job in inspiring one of her students to continue with her field of knowledge.. guess not.

So now I only really have one choice to do in 6 form..which is ART.. my best subject at the moment. That actually use to be Math but i got kinda distracted by my sick grandfather that I lived with so maybe I can write that in my recommendation letters.. yea?

I have some art work that got piled on me yesterday.. yes .. yesterday.. which was Saturday. My art teacher felt compelled to call my house and give me extra work.. YAY!.. can you feel the raw joy in those words.... well i can't its blocked by the frustration in my mind.amazing what wonders we have yet to discover about each other... later now Imma go grovel over my art work now

  PEACE!

Some other Places you Can find Me

I have an account for way too many things and its so hard to keep up with them. i'm trying to make each one of them as important as the other.

    I AM very creative and Love ... Love art so very much.
 Any type of art really.. I love it.
 I'm trying to get more of my work on deviantArt, one of my most used websites and i hope you check out my homepage and aren't completely dissatisfied with my lack of awesomeness compared to everyone else. When summer hits I'll have tons and tons of new stuff and time so have fun then!
 <3
devArt Homepage: http://jamaicanbutterfly.deviantart.com/

I'll be adding more sites as I go along. Just want to get them a little bit more updated before i share ..... The World!.........this is where the life changing music starts to play and motion picture fades to black.. =P

How Do Teachers Not Kill Their Students?

There is a saying somewhere that I don't know that has something to do with the value of a life..............well....i can't share it with you.. because I don't know it. =D

 Anyways.. over the past year i have always wondered how teachers manage not to lunge at the students from across the room after they have asked to stupidest questions or demand to know what they mean when they have practically spelled it out in the simplest way with no more than  2 syllables for each word.
  
                    The secret to this legendary way of not displaying complete and utter hate and rage towards these people is the fact that there pay is so small already that if they were to act on first impulse then their future as a teacher which is probably their only skill would totally be jeopardized.

 Now You Know Why Your Teachers Never Destroyed You PHYSICALLY, Because then they would get in trouble because of the evidence and your obvious recollection of that dreadful moment, but the thing about destroying you mentally helps with the destruction of you emotionally because it happens over time and you assume its just you stressing out over something, having a moment while your parents think your going through a phase and preferably a rebellious phase.

This is the TRUTH! That it actually isn't ALL the teachers fault but your own.. Stop asking stupid questions and grow some sense before puberty is over.

WhY Do We HaVe To Go To ScHoOl

DON'T BE SCARED!!!

If you look in any dictionary you can find whether it be Spanish, French, not urban dictionary, ANY LANGUAGE ACTUALLY!!!.. English too.... then you will see that a school is an institution designed for teachers to increase the mental stability of a student with knowledgeable facts. Okay technically thats not exactly what th dictionaries say..... but i couldn't bother to go look in the ruins of my room just to find the meaning of the worst idea known to man...... school.

 Lemme tell you what school stands for:

Shit 

Cases

Haunting

Our

Only 

Life

Now you may be wondering who these so called "shit cases" I am referring to might be .... if you are.. then.... you didn't go to school. The TEACHERS are who should be the ones encouraging us to reach for the stars, dream as deep as we can but with the right percentage of reality to make the dream not as crazy as it may sound and able to come true one day ,so that we as students don't suffer the same "depths of despair" that Anne Shirley experienced when she was told she wasn't meant to be adopted but a BOY!.. of all the unseemly things but to be told a boy was better.

 Throughout my senior years in high school i have experienced the assigned teachers to each specific subject screw my year over. And today i almost screamed in a teachers face because we have one of THE biggest exams of our lives coming up and she failed to teach.. TEACH us anything that was required from the syllabus. Now you see.. this is my fave subject .. Art! ♥ My mom is an artist my sisters i many different ways are artists and so am I. So when i come home with no knew knowledge on art and work on pieces with themes I have no techniques, no idea how to use the equipment and not a nice turn out unless my imagination went wild.

   If I fail any of my favourite subjects ( Art, Math, English Lit. I.T.) on this exam i swear i will be doing the world a favour by taking these teachers .. out.

 WOW!!.. I must sound like a SICO!!....

 but hey thats what happens when the other year groups are passing and yours is failing.. for 2 years now.

   I would name the school.. but then again this is the internet so lets not call names.. 

 No one likes a Tattle Tail ^-^

 I have other stuff that i find too interesting at random points of the day and am really sad that this is my first post EVA!. So please don't be freaked by my much needed venting

 Hope I Haven't Scared You Off Completely