Nikki Hamilton

Dead things sometimes show the most beauty

                                              - Jessica Brown 

  

    Nikki I'll miss you forever and then I'll fornever forget you  ♥

Happy Birthday

I can't find it!!! baha ahahaaahhahaaaaa

Okay so... These times that you see at the bottom of my posts... they are so WRONG. It is now... 8:01 pm here ...and I am positive it will come up at 4 or 5 something. Wow, why did it take me this long to see that?

 So I cant find the time changey thingy if anyone would like to guide me to it.

 OH!! and for all the people that visit my ...this... it would be really cool if you just click "Join this site" up at the top... you can join if u have an account. It's okay if you dont have a google one... I think. but if you have a blogger account then you can.

 AND!

 You can leave comments if you aren't apart of my...this... lol and you can leave comments if you don't have have an account. Isn't that kind of like a breathe of fresh air? Most sites pop up on u and say " You must sign in or sign up for this website of you want to leave a comment. Every time I see that I feel bad for my inbox. More shit that I don't want. All I want is to share my damn thoughts.

 So guys... SHARE YOUR DAMN THOUGHTS!

   ^_^ Thanks

It's Just Not Fair

So today is the birthday of my dead best friend right. So I had planned on doing somethings to make myself feel better and celebrate her birthday. One of those things was to bake a cake.

 I've woken up early at like... 9:30 (i usually wake up at 12 or 1) , peopel are getting ready to go out and i'm walking around the house watching everyone. I had planned on eating this poptart that was in the cupboard. It seemed like no one wanted it so I took that chance. I put in it the toater and went to say good bye to all the departing people. My mother and younger sister had just gone threw the gate when my grandmother tells me that she''s going out and the soup needs to be made. Okay sure... since no one is here... now i just have to fit my cake making around this. She leaves after telling me what to put in it.

It's a PARDY!!!

Today I'm having a party. I don't see why I shouldn't, it's my friends birthday today. I'm gonna bake a nice cake dedicated to her and share it out virtually cause I know that no one can make it to the party. I think she would have turned 18 this year. Because, you see, the year she died she was about to turn 16. Aha. I caught you (whoever you are), you just changed your facial expression from either enthusiasm/ wonder to sadness/empathy but that's cool.

 If you know me and are reading this you might feel the need to come over now and if you don't, you still feel the need to come over whether you're in Russia or Canada. Hm blah! Well, it's about 9:34 am on my clock. Her soul has been 18 for a whole 10 and a half (lol) hours and we have about... 13 and 29 minutes to go. Lets set the timer for this sad but happy day shall we!

 For the record I had planned to do this a long time ago, but things got in my way... >_< You know...
sometimes I just hate people. *whispers* ... was that too harsh? Well it's the truth so bite me.

 Imma blog about that very soon.

Better Days... only in the past.

You know what gets me through the day?

 The memories I have with my friends.

On my way to school today, I passed Sovereign (it's a mall.) and remembered the time I was hyperventilating and my inhaler was empty. My guy best friend at the time was freaking out as I waved the empty thing around saying that we could just go to the pharmacy and refill it...he has obviously never dealt with an inhaler before.I beckoned my good friend over and hugged him in all my quivering glory. I felt his arms go around me and I pressed him tighter to me feeling his toned stomach and chiselled chest press against mine( Can anyone say infatuated?). I immediately calmed down when his scent filled my nostrils. He looked so confused and others gave me knowing looks and some gave me the "Seriously Jessica?...you couldn't have just hugged me?" or "my gosh". I thought it was so funny. The sad part is the reason for the hyperventilating and the reason why I hugged him. BUT!! These are supposedly happy times that I'm telling you about... so...I can't tell you.
>   <

    0    

After I thought of that I started grinning instead of my usual grim expression on the way to my "school".

Oh dear... What have I done

 The force field has been penetrated... in ways more than thought possible. What's going to happen to me now... I'm not too sure. Time will either help me out in this glorious predicament or shatter me into bite size pieces. We shall see and maybe, just maybe, I might expand on my sudden epiphany.

 This'll have to do.

The Nest

 Okay. So one night I never went to sleep... and when I started to get comfortable in bed ,after a while I still didn't fall asleep and it was like 3 or maybe 4 in the morning. Sometimes when I don't sleep or go to sleep late I just think and most of these thoughts are so deep and insightful. This is something that I wrote in the dark without sleep at 6 in the morning.

...
Mommy thinks of us as birds, but we never did get to fly and explore. My father never took us anywhere and anything "new" or "out of the ordinary" that was introduced to us or brought home would be the most amazing thing. For example : Those things that monitor how far you've walked when you move or a :new" phone or digital scale. Whenever we wanted to go somewhere for a change we would be told " Sure.", but don't get your hopes up. It's like opening a bird's cage and having the bird thinking it's free and shutting it when its halfway out the door. He would always say we are too boring and never did anything but stay home and thrust things at us when we were never prepared for new things.
...

 Now that... that is some insightful shit right there. Why cant it be more like that all the time, every hour of the day. I would be seen in such a different light.

You Dont Even Know!!!

I don't need any fucking person to be telling me that I need help... U dont think that I already know that I need fucking help. This God (sorry) damned teacher is lecturing me about life and about how Immaculate was probably not the real world and now that I am in the real world I cant handle it. Immaculate is one of the most REAL FUCKING HARSH SCHOOLS IN THIS COUNTRY.... It gets you prepared for life. This sorry excuse for a school does not. If this school was to be known for something then it would be labeled as an institute of how not to live your life.

   Me, Jessica Amanda Brown, have three different types of mental doctors. I have a psychologist, a psychiatrist and a family therapist. Now to have all of those I think you need to be aware of the existence of the real world and you have no shitting idea as to how REAL my world is.

 Now you see. Me flying off on a tangent like this is all because I informed my so called I.T. teacher about the problem I am having in the club that he co-administers. I start telling him not to expect anything from my group that was forced upon me by the other teacher in authority. This group wasn't assign to me because of my leadership skills or my tolerance of responsibility... no... it was assigned to me because SOMEONE (unknown) told the woman that I am good at photography. Now this club is the "Photo and Film" club... and it was either this or stay with the K4 students that scream till my ears bleed, spill fluids out of there bodies that no one can identify and then cry over absolutely nothing... did I mention that these children have special needs?... and if not all of them then the others are developing them. I now regret joining this club. I would rather stay with the 3-6 year old's. Yep ... I said 6


 Right now I think I'll finish this up later because the giggling teenage boy besides me that cannot construct a proper sentence and is in the 11th grade is getting on my many nerves.