What's it called when you have so many plans for your life and when it comes to that section of your life when you prepare for those plans to succeed everything falls apart in front of your eyes and you have an idea how to stop it but you feel too weak,inferior or incapable to do them in the case of making it even worse for yourself, when you feel it can't get any worse.
While eating dinner today... (I know, kinda early for dinner) i felt so stupid while I went through my little sectors of information in my brain as to how the rest of my 11th grade year will go for me.
If I'll pass one of the biggest exams in my life with the lack of knowledge I have stored
If I should waste the non-existent money my mother has to go to what some people would call "prom", "the biggest day of their life" or ball.
What my grandfather would say to me if he was still here, if he'd be proud I haven't gone crazy and killed myself for my negative feelings towards how the world screwed me over after I tried to save it.
if I'll even go through with not killing myself to spare the humiliation of not graduating with honours or much less a high score in something other than R.E. (religious education) which everyone passes.
When I first went to high school I was the biggest racist.... I'm black by the way. There was this one time when I was called a racist by my sister. We were in the car driving home after picking my sister up from a friends house and there was the lady walking on the sidewalk with a baby that clearly wasn't hers. The baby was Asian and I had said," Asian babies are so much cuter then any other.".I felt absolutely no shame in saying that. This was in 7th grade. Throughout my high school year everyone (some of my friends) would try and find me a "boyfriend". The first thing I'd ask would be " Is he Asian". I find it kinda funny now because most of my guy friends are Asian but since this is Jamaica I call them Chigro's (chinese niggahs).
I think I like them mostly because in my mind and see them as really smart and thats what I thought of myself as when I was smaller in age. Now I know that thats not how it is at all. There are billions of people on this planet and they all have different things that make them smarter than someone else.No one is smarter than the other.
I have gone off on a tangent.......................WOOPS!... I guess my head kinda went on by itself... that happens sometimes.. especially when I'm trying to prove a point.
For high school in Jamaica You have a choice of what you want to do after you graduate.
You can either go to 12 & 13th grade which is called 6th form or go to university of some kind wherever , there or abroad if your lucky....... or go work at BK and strive to be employee of the month.
I really like literature. I love the poems and the Shakespeare and stories. I LOVE IT!
The problem is that I have trouble expressing my self confidently so I'll write an answer that I think my be the correct one and then the real answer will stay in my head until I get the paper back with a bad grade making me feel less confident in myself.
I think it was the end of the school term last year or the beginning this year when I asked one of my favourite teachers (of English) if she would recommend me for English if I wanted to go to 6 form......She actually told me about a year ago that I have the potential for English and that I just needed to work harder.. HELLO thats what I've been doing. Anyways. She almost laughed in my face. She told me she doesn't I am ready for the hard work I have to put in.Well great there goes one subject that I feel good about.I thought she'd be proud that she was doing her job in inspiring one of her students to continue with her field of knowledge.. guess not.
So now I only really have one choice to do in 6 form..which is ART.. my best subject at the moment. That actually use to be Math but i got kinda distracted by my sick grandfather that I lived with so maybe I can write that in my recommendation letters.. yea?
I have some art work that got piled on me yesterday.. yes .. yesterday.. which was Saturday. My art teacher felt compelled to call my house and give me extra work.. YAY!.. can you feel the raw joy in those words.... well i can't its blocked by the frustration in my mind.amazing what wonders we have yet to discover about each other... later now Imma go grovel over my art work now
PEACE!
